T’WAS WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS……

T’was weeks before Christmas

And I said to my spouse…

“Can you do something about

that clog wearing mouse?

It clatters around the loft at night

And I dread to shink what it’s shredding!

I bet there’s tinsel and angels chewed up

As festive Christmas mouse bedding!”

We’d had a word with the cat

About earning his keep….

Abut how to catch mice

Not going to sleep…

We’ve thumped on the wall

When it parties too loud…

It waits ‘til we stop,

Then brings in a crowd!

So a trip to the shops…

He was off in a thrice

To buy something nasty

To finish the mice!

He came tearing back from his 80 mile trip,

A B&Q bag in his hand…

And a great big tub with blue stuff in….

That mouse was about to be banned!

But as we got down the tinsel and lights

I looked up and said to my spouse…

“I feel rather sorry for trying to end

that little clog wearing mouse”

So as it’s near Christmas

We made a choice AND a little cosy mouse bed…

Not up in our loft as you all thought…

But outside in my spouse’s shed!!

Festive 2011

Don’t you really love it when a friend gives you a call -
“hallo Den its Sonia here, y’know that thing down at the hall.

Well as there is no skit this year, cos Caroline has left us-
we need for you to read a poem, and the subject matter’s festive”.

“There really is no pressure, just pick something from the past.
Just stand up there and just read it out - your sure to get a laugh.

Now of poetry books I know I’m short, in fact I haven’t any,
so I’ll have to read you one of mine to save ma sell a penny.

Christmas Time in Scotland

Its Christmas time in Scotland, and this one will be our fourth,
and every year our children hate the drive up to the North.

They want to come and stay with us, free lunch free drink free bed –
it all sounds rather wonderful, it’s just the driving that they dread.

The first year saw them stranded, the second found them lost,
and the third year took the A9 in a snowstorm to their cost.

Then last year on their way home, knew exactly when to go,
and slept in Glasgow services while they cleared away the snow.

But this year they are flying up, this year is better planned.
They only thing they have to do, is find somewhere clear to land.

Now getting back to festive should not be all that hard -
for everywhere you look up here, It’s like a Christmas card.

The mountains topped with snowy peaks are really very nice –
But the Robins in our garden had their feet set firm in ice.

I tried to use a blow lamp, to free them from their plight,
which wasn’t such a good idea - God they put up such a fight.

And by the time I’d free’d the legs they were glowing in the heat,
they really were quite tasty, very tangy… not much meat.

This year came the festive wind, it really was a harden,
and it used the moss and twigs and trees to decorate our garden.

With climate changing every year and Santa running late,
I’ve heard it on the grape vine that he’s gonna re-locate.

He’s looking for a workshop on the edge of somewhere small,
where he can sit and make his toys and make no smoke at all.

Now please don’t say I told you, for just in case I’m wrong.
He’s put a bid to Forestry now Bio-mass has gone.

And if his bids accepted, he will fill the place with elves,
who’ll be working all the livelong day making toys to go on shelves.

The locals will be grateful, there’ll be lots of little men –
filling all the B&B’s all winter through the Glen.

And now my friends I’ve prattled on – we must return to Earth,
and talk about the proper things and to the saviour’s birth.

For it just comes but once a year, we each have heard the call –
Good night and merry Christmas - Festive Greetings to you all.

Highland weather

Rain Rain, Rain Rain, Rain Rain blow

Rain Rain, Rain Rain, Rain Rain snow

Rain Rain, Rain Rain, Rain Rain again

Rain Rain, Rain Rain, Rain Rain amen.

Now some rains are persistent and others just plain wet,

but none of them can hold a wick to the kind of rain we get.

It starts off in the morning and it stays all through the day,

like a million bloody dripping taps that just won't go away.

Glen Albyn Weather

I'm living in the Great Glen, and I’m c limatised a treat,

as my foreheads grown a gutter and I'm sporting two webbed feet.

I know my gardens out there, heard it splash the other day,

and I wasn’t really bothered when it floated right away.

Now someone else can mow my lawn and do all my other deeds,

and in return I'd cut their hedge and snorkel down for weeds.

Just lean out of your window, and admire what’s drifting by,

you might see Bell’s hydrangeas or Bert’s daffs may catch your eye.

I really could get used to this, new flowers every day

Like Russian Roulette with gardens, till the sun comes out to play.

Click on a title below Author

If I were dull and sulky and I thank the Lord I'm not

I would wine about the weather, co’s it gets so flaming hot.

As the sweat runs past my collar, down my back through to my feet

you will never hear me moaning, co’s I'm loving all the heat.

To be woken up each morning with the sun up in the sky

I feel so high and buoyant that it makes me want to cry.

No, you can't beat Highland weather Pal,it really is the best

and it just keeps getting hotter as you move the further west.

From November through to April, it will bring you to your knees

as there's precious little shade to find beneath the leafless trees.

And don't believe the BBC about us getting wetter

we're frying in the Highlands, it just couldn't get much better.

With sun cream gone right through the roof and air con's number one

we've started growing coconuts and cactus just for fun.

The sunshine's really changed us, stopped getting all depressed

though we're chuffed it still gets dark at three to give our eyes a rest.

And we’re only hitching kilts up for to give our knees a tan

we're not vitamin deficient, we're all healthy to a man.

When I look back to the old times, when it rained for days on end

It drove us all half cranky and a few right round the bend.

With days so short and dark and damp, I don't know how we made it

thank God for global warming Pal, I never want to trade it.

Now my cousin had a baby, about a year or so ago

and we saw him first on face book, far before they let us know.

Such a handsome little chappie - yet another lost relation.

But we went down south to visit, cos we got an invitation.

“Oh isn't he lovely.” they said as they peeked,

“Isn't he gorgeous, all round and red cheeked.”

They looked and they smiled -“What a well filled out child.”

Some laughed and some roared and some shrieked.

There sat the baby like a pink piggy jelly.

There, but for eyes sat a big pleated belly.

His arms and his legs must go 200 pound,

and that’s just a small part of the huge flabby mound.

We can't stop him eating; said his Mother (Irene)

and just quelling the flow makes us feel rather mean.

We know that he's growing - it can't be denied

and he's partial to dog food, so they're fed outside.

Well thanks for his present, he was ever so pleased.

And the girl down at Mother Care (first name Louise)

is like one of the family - she's really first class

at exchanging us things that will cover his arse.

My cousin’s baby

My First Love

I c lutch the happy memories of times we had together

and they will go on haunting me forever and forever.

All the things we did and said I’ll spend my life re-living

searching for my one mistake that made your love stop giving.

Was it that I tried too hard to get inside your knickers

Was it that I told rude jokes when we went to the Vicars

Or was it just that football meant that Saturdays were out.

or because I kissed your sister and your Dad gave me a c lout.

But now we both must go our ways and find a love that’s true,

though I’ll never love another girl the way that I loved you.

The Sunshine of Glengarry

A Zumba widow's born

It's often hard to get the urge that moves me off to rhyme.

But my wife and her Zumba makes me crave for every line.

We used to spend our evenings sitting contently together.

But now I'm on my own most nights, no one to share my blether.

At first I thought, it's just a fad - she's not a music geek.

But what the he'll do I know; she's there three times every week.

The Zuuuumba Queen

(Must be read in rhythm)

Are you sure that you don't mind me going to Zuuumba

I can easy stay at home dear, if you like. (cha cha cha)

I'll just sit down over there and put my face on,

Y’know, the one that looks like someone stole my bike. (cha cha cha)

You know, I can't remember life before the Zuumba.

Things must have been so very very drab. (cha cha cha)

No music, no singing and no dancing.

A bit like watching Antiques Road show with my Dad. (cha cha cha)

And now my music taste has so changed so much with Zuumba.

I just cannot get enough of Latin beat. (cha cha cha)

The mere fact that I cannot understand them.

Does mean nothing whatsoever to my feet. (cha cha cha)

Well, I don't think I could live without my Zuumba.

This new-life has turned a very special key. (cha cha cha)

And I don't care what you say, I'm not for changing,

You’ll just have to live these hours without me. (cha cha cha)

I would rather be out with my pals from Zuumba.

With the music that has set my spirit free. (cha cha cha)

Than simply being home with my dear husband.

Where the only thing he cares about is me…..(Cha cha cha)